I Never Knew I Could Feel That Much
by PaperHeadPhones
Summary: Grell is dating Claude, but can't get a certain man out of his mind. One-sided Claude/Grell. Implied William/Grell. AU/OOC.


**I Never Knew I Could Feel That Much.**

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Pairing(s): One-sided Claude/Grell. Implied William/Grell.  
>Song: The Way I Loved You- Taylor Swift.<br>Rating T.  
>Warnings: Implied Yaoi. Don't like don't read. AU, OOC all over the place. Writing at four am: <em>never<em> a good idea.

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A/N: Oh god what is wrong with me. I wrote this at like, four am on my cell phone. If there are mistakes, bugger it I don't care. Just ignore them please. Anyway, I love William/Grell. If you haven't noticed, they're one of my OTP's for Kuroshitsuji. But I also adore Claude, so I feel bad for him in this.

:|

I'll say this again. **AU AND OOC.**

Disclaimer: I own nothing, I wish I did. Then I would take Claude for myself.

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Grell studied his boyfriend closely, his bright green eyes drifting over his unmistakeably handsome features. The raven locks that were swept back from his cold, yet somehow tender amber eyes that Grell adored on a man. The chiseled chin, high cheek bones, toned and muscular body under that pressed suit…

Yes, Claude was indeed handsome. He put models to shame, honestly.

He was sensible, making active business choices for his family's business. He never did anything more than he had to, seeing as it was best not to test Lady Fate.

_'Grell~' _his friend Ronald had sighed enviously earlier that same night over the phone, _'I'm so jealous. Claude is incredible isn't he?'_

Yes. He was.

"You're gorgeous." He suddenly whispered to him, making the red-head blush and duck his head slightly.

Grell was lucky, he really was.

"Shall we go?"

"Yes, please." He whispered, following the man from the house, stepping through the door he graciously held open for his 'girlfriend'. Grell smiled in thanks, his heels clicking on the stairs as he carefully started to climb down. He felt a hand take his and allowed Claude to lead him down the steps, not wanting to fall and ruin his newly bought dress.

"You look beautiful tonight." Claude said, smiling warmly at the feminine man.

Grell felt his throat tighten slightly, but he smiled back happily. "Thanks~" He giggled, "You've said that twice now in the span of five minutes, you know~" He teased lightly as he entered the slick black sports car, door once again opened for him.

"It's true. You're always beautiful though."

The door closed, and Grell watched as Claude walked to around the front of the car, coming to the drivers side.

He felt content. He was loved, treasured.

However, his mind couldn't help wander back to those many years ago when he had his first boyfriend, William.

Their love was the opposite of the love Claude felt for him. It had been like fireworks, suddenly lighting up the sky as they ignited.

It had been a rush, like a tornado that suddenly rips apart a peaceful town in the middle of the night.

The had argued of course, throwing insults- and sometimes objects- at each other until the words melted into harsh kisses, which always turned into hard, rough make-up sex.

He still remembered the feeling of William's hands on his body.

Like sandpaper, but it made is body burn in a good way.

He remembered the night William climbed onto his apartment buildings roof and screamed his love for Grell to the city below while Grell stood watching and laughing at his beloveds actions.

Someone yelled for William to shut the hell up, but that only created more laughter and louder confessions of love.

"You're insane!" Grell had laughed, finally dragging the man from his post.

"Only for you." William grinned, suddenly leaning in and kissing the red-head passionately, pulling Grell tightly to him.

Will had only grinned like that for him, and him alone.

It had been a rush, to be honest. Something he hadn't felt before that with his childish "crushes" and even now, three years later.

"I need to be alone." Grell whispered as they came to his door, and the red-head quickly unlocked the door.

"Of course." Claude said kindly, smiling lovingly. "I'll call you tomorrow, at noon."

Grell nodded, knowing he would call exactly at noon. 12:00 on the nose.

He was punctual like that.

"Good-night." Claude whispered, taking a step up to press his lips to Grell's.

Grell kissed back absently, his heart tightening again.

There was no spark.

Had there ever been?

He didn't know.

"See you." He said quietly, slipping into his dark apartment before closing the door behind him. At the click of the lock falling into place, he slipped down the cool wood to sit there, the tears he had been forcing back finally falling freely down his cheeks.

He felt guilty.

Claude loved him, but Grell felt nothing towards the man.

He probably never had.

He felt dirty for it.

He thought of William again, remembering their weekly dates and random spontaeous train rides.

He missed it.

He missed _William_.

He missed the man he hadn't talked to since their harsh break up that rainy night three years ago.

Grell sighed as he sat up, wiping at his cheeks.

"Bloody hell." He muttered, grimacing.

He knew he would have to do something.

xxxx

"Morning, dear." Claude greeted, smiling.

Grell forced a pleasant smile onto his face, "Morning~"

Claude took his hand, and Grell sighed quietly to himself as they started walking.

He needed to end this, before Claude got anymore attached.

"Claude…" He started, stopping in place. He retracted his hand and stared at the ground, frowning deeply.

"Grell?"

"…Can't…"

"What?"

"I…I can't continue dating you, Claude. It's not fair to you!" Grell suddenly blurted out, clenching his fist at the sudden burst of courage.  
>Claude didn't say anything for a moment, and Grell looked at his face despite his brain telling him not to.<p>

Oh.

Claude was crying.

Silently, sure. But he was.

Grell looked at him, his face as empty of emotion as his heart was.

Strange, he thought. I thought this would make my heart break, even a little.

"I'm sorry." He said quietly, adverting his eyes again as he took a step back.

"Grel-"

"No, Claude." Grell interrupted the man's complaint, taking another step back as he reached a hand out as if to touch the red-head. "Just…no." He finished, finally turning away.

He left Claude standing there, staring after him.

xxxx

"Oh, William…" Grell said softly, staring at the photograph in his hand.

Their fifth month anniversery, an amusement park.

He smiled fondly at the picture of Will's laughing face.

How he missed that smile.

How he loved that man.

Did he still?

He wasn't sure.

After all, he hadn't even emailed him for such a long time…

He suddenly looked at his computer questioningly, Do I still have his email?

It was possible, Grell wasn't one for organization.  
>He went quietly over to the hibernating machine, shaking the mouse to wake it. He clicked on the internet icon and waited for the page to load.<p>

Of course, his mind turned to William.

Their fourth month of dating, and Grell had gotten bored while holding a can of spray paint.

Long story short, half the town was promptly covered in "G loves W!" graffiti within half and hour.

William had been angry for putting himself up for legal charges, but at the same time started laughing and calling him insane.

"Only for you." Grell whispered aloud as he typed in the address for his email courier, repeating the same words he had copied from William before that night.

He opened his email, scrolling down the long page before he saw it.

_William T. Spears (spearswilliam)_

"Oh, William…" He whispered again, clicking the "send message" option quickly.

He stared at it for a moment, pondering over what he should write.

Seriously, what the hell do you right to a man that you haven't spoken to for three years.

"Crap." Grell muttered, frowning as his fingers stayed poised over the white keyboard.

Finally, he slowly typed out a small message.

_**To: spearswilliam**_  
><em><strong>From: atouchofred<strong>_  
><em><strong>Subject: How are you?<strong>_  
><em><strong>Message: This must seem random and out of the blue…sorry. But I wanted to ask you…<strong>_

_**Can we grab lunch sometime?**_

_**-Grell.**_

_**PS: Not even sure this is still your email… Bloody hell.**_

He almost typed something about missing William, but quickly buried that urge away. He had no right to say that, even if it was true. Instead, he quickly pressed send and sat back heavily, hand cupping his mouth thoughtfully.

He had done it.

He had made the first move.

A small "You have mail!" filtered through his speakers and he jumped, leaning forwards once more as he took the mouse with a trembling hand to see who had sent him a message.

He blinked.

**_Reply from: spearswilliam_**

He blinked again.

He held his breath as he clicked on the icon to open the message, steeling himself for a thorough tongue lashing, virtual as it might be.

**_To: atouchofred_**  
><strong><em>From: spearswilliam<em>**  
><strong><em>Subject: RE: How are you?<em>**  
><strong><em>Message: Hello again, Sutcliff.<em>**

**_When is suitable for you?_**

**_-William T. Spears._**

**_PS: Of course this is my email. Why would I change it? It's unnecessary and bothersome, honestly. I note that you haven't either._**

Grell grinned happily, feeling tears prickling the corners of his eyes as he gushed out a reply.

**_To: spearswilliam  
>From: atouchofred<br>Subject: RE: RE: How are you?  
>Message: Same to you, Will.<em>**

Mmm… How's tomorrow at noon?

-Grell.

**_PS: I knew you would say something like that. How very you, Will. :P_**

He giggled quietly, sending it off. After about five minutes, he got a reply.

**_To: atouchofred_**  
><strong><em>From: spearswilliam<em>**  
><strong><em>Subject: RE:<em>**  
><strong><em>Message: That sounds fine. I have nothing scheduled from then until two, if that's fine.<em>**

**_-William T. Spears._**

**_PS: Honestly._**

He stuck his tongue out at the screen, fingers flying over the keyboard.

**_To: spearswilliam_**  
><strong><em>From: atouchofred<em>**  
><strong><em>Subject: RE: RE:<em>**  
><strong><em>Message: Sure! It'll give us time to catch up. <em>**

**_Now, it's almost two am. Get some sleep so you're lucid tomorrow. I'm off to bed now, so follow suit._**

**_Grell~_**

**_PS: I mean it!_**

He sent it, smiling to himself. He turned off the computer, and headed to his bed; humming.

_Oh, William._

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A/N: I'm sure there's going to be some parts of this that look all buggered. Blame it on OpenOffice. Whenever I copy/paste something it gets messed up.

Not sure if I want to extend this. What do you all think?

Read and review, please.

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